Both on the Rag!
by iSamPuckett
Summary: The last in my 'On the Rag' trilogy. It looks like Carly and Sam's cycles have synched up...this can't be good for poor Freddie, period. Two-shot.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Alrite, so here is the final story in my 'On the Rag' trilogy! We see how Freddie deals with Sam and Carly separately, but what about them TOGETHER? Well, read and find out! I'll be updating this really soon, like, l8r tonight or tomorrow, so stay tuned (Although I don't think it's nearly as good as the Sam or Carly 1s, but enjoy anyway!) Told thru the eyes of Freddie!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything**

**Freddie's POV**

"_Carly, you look beautiful in the moonlight." I compliment her. We're in a luxurious field somewhere, a night all to ourselves. In the dark I see her faintly blush._

"_Thanks. You look pretty good yourself." She's so cute when she's embarrassed. _

"_Carly?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"…_I love you." And I lean in to kiss her, our lips meeting. What, why do her lips taste like…cloud block?!_

I snapped my eyes open to find my mom standing over me rubbing Cloud Block all over my face.

"Mom?! What are you doing?"

"Fredward, what have I told you about leaving your window open at night? You could get a cloud burn in your sleep! Luckily we had some cloud block left!" Yeah, lucky me. I push my mom off me and get out of bed.

"Mom, I'm not gonna get a cloud burn! I'm fine, alright!" My mom stepped back, and, satisfied with the thick layer of lotion all over my face, smiled.

"Okay, little Freddikins (Ugh, I hate that nickname). Get dressed, and then come down for some wheat-free, gluten-free, taste-free pancakes!" She said happily as she left my room, calling over her shoulder, "And don't forget to wear your anti-bacterial underpants today!"

"MOM!" Why is she so embarrassing?! And I am not wearing anti-bacterial underpants again. They make me itch. In places. I walk over to my horrible rubber duck calendar and check to make sure it's not one of Sam's 'days'. Oh, thank God, I still have 2 weeks. Satisfied, I go over to my page-a-day desk calendar and rip it to the next page. Now let's see what my inspirational saying of the day is:

**Your day's going to suck, buddy.**

What? What kinda saying is that?! Is that supposed to make me happy? Cuz it isn't! I sigh, get dressed into a sweater-vest and jeans, then head downstairs and eat pancakes that taste like cat vomit with my mom. After that I go back up to my room and make some adjustments to . Finishing that, I look over at my clock. 11:34 am. Hm, maybe I'll go see Carly. As I get up I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. A new text? From Spencer?

**From: Spencer**

**Freddie, w/e u do, DON'T come ovr 2day! If u no wats gud 4 u, DON'T COME OVR!!!**

Okay, first my calendar, now Spencer?! What is sooo terrible about this day?! I send back a quick reply, then start heading downstairs.

**To: Spencer**

**I hav 2. iCarly rehearsal, then iCarly l8r. Y? Wats th problem?**

I don't wait for him to respond as I head into the hall and lightly knock on Carly's door.

"WHAT?!" Carly and Sam both scream from the other side. Weird. I would expect Sam to respond like that, but not Carly.

"It's Freddie."

"So?! You want a medal or something?!" Ugh, yeah, Sam THAT'S what I want!

"Sam, where's Carly?" I call through the closed door.

"Freddie, what do you want?" Huh? Carly never asked that! In fact, she never asked! She just opened the door!

"I-I just wanted to come in."

"Well, why the hell don't you then?! The door's OPEN!"

"Well, how was I supposed to know that, Sam?! You didn't tell me!" Uh-oh. She's coming, I can hear her! I should run, but now it's too late. Sam barges through the door, slams me against the wall, and lifts me off the ground by my neck.

"Why the hell should I?! Is it MY job to tell you to open the door?! No, Bensen, I don't think it is! Now, if I was you, for the rest of the day, I would shut my mouth, put a bag over my head, and sit in a corner!" Then for good measure she kneed me where no guy should be kneed, and dropped me to the ground. Wait, why is Sam like this today?! She only gets this way around her time of the month! And I have 2 more weeks, I checked this morning! I see Carly come around behind Sam, tears streaming down her face.

"Why are you guys always fighting? Can't we all just be friends?"

"Well, Sam started it!" Suddenly Carly looks mad. Wait, wasn't she just, like, really sad?

"I don't care WHO started it, Freddie! What makes you think I would?!" Huh?! Now she looks like she's gonna cry again!

"I-I'm sorry, F-Freddie, I'm such a mean person, you don't deserve a friend like me!" She stammered as she ran back into apartment 8=C crying. I am so confused. Suddenly Sam looks back down at me.

"Now look what you did! Carly saw your face and started crying! Good going, Freddork!" And then she kicked me in my stomach. I double over in pain as she stomps back into Carly's apartment, not bothering to shut the door behind her. I look in and see her plop on the couch next to Carly, whose holding a hot water bottle to her stomach. Oooh, great, it must be Carly's time of the month! Okay, that explains Carly's odd behavior, but it still doesn't explain why Sam would be…oh God. In health, the teacher said that when girls spend a lot of time together, their cycles can synch up.

"No, no that can't be it!" I thought frantically. "It's gotta be something else! It's gotta-" I was snapped outta my thoughts by Sam letting out a scream, doubling over in pain. Oh my God. OH. MY. GOD. This cannot be happening to me! I'm a good person! How am I supposed to deal with BOTH of them?!?! I stand up shakily, then remember: there's iCarly tonight! How are they supposed to do iCarly when their so…like this! Um, maybe I'll just ask them about that later. Like, late later.

"Um, C-Carly, I think I'm just gonna come back later, you know, for iCarly. So see ya?" I back towards my apartment slowly, thinking to myself, 'Can this day get ANY worse?!'

"Freddie, wait!" Carly called, taking some money from her pocket. "Can you go down to the store and buy us some pads?" In a word: Yeah. I can get worse. Much, much worse.

**A/N: Ah, every guys worst nightmare, being asked to purchase pads lol! Soo did you like it? R&R, cuz it helps poor Freddie deal with Carly and Sam!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: And here you go! Just as I promised, a fast update. Nd sry ppl, there wont b a Freddie on the rag story :[. I just find it more fun to mess with him lik this :] Well onto the story! Lets see how Freddie does buying pads…**

**Disclaimer: Wat do you think I own? Ill give you a hint: nothing**

**Freddie's POV**

I just stare at Carly, my mouth hanging open like a gaping fish. She cannot be serious. I am NOT buying pads!

"What?!"

"Can. You. Buy. Us. Some.-"

"No, don't say it again!" I yell at her. I don't wanna hear that again! "Why can't you or Sam go?!" Carly looks at me like I just asked her how to spell dog.

"Because, Freddie," She says in a voice that makes it sound like the most FREAKING OBVIOUS thing in the world. Just as she's about to continue, Sam gets up, interrupting her through gritted teeth.

"Lemme talk to the boy!" Once again I'm grabbed by the neck as Sam slams me against the wall…again. "Listen, FREDWARD." She says aggressively, punching in the stomach with one hand, and hold my neck against the wall with the other. "Didn't I EXPLAIN to you-" Punch. "LAST month-" Punch. "That when girls get their periods-" Two punchs? Ooh, breaking the cycle, Sam? Hehe, cycle. I'm pulled out of my thoughts by another punch when Sam sees I'm not paying attention. "They're in PAIN?!" And, then, either by karma or to prove her point, she doubles over in pain, moaning. "Or do I have to SHOW you again?" she asks menacingly, hobbling over to the kitchen, reaching into the cabinet, and grabbing a plate. Oh my God, not again!!

"Fine, fine I'll go!" I shout as I grab the money from Carly, run out of the apartment, and slam the door, just in time to hear the plate shatter against it. Man, Sam is psycho! Y'know, I really should talk to her about seeing that therapist to talk about her issues, like, twice a day. Better yet, the lady can just move in with her. Ugh, well I've got no choice left; I've gotta go buy *gulp* pads.

Oh. My. God. WHY are there so many different kinds?! How many do girls need?! Lets see, what are these? Tampons? Instructions, insert into OH MY GOD NOT READING ANYMORE!!!! Whew, at least Carly doesn't want those! But which ones does she want?! I'm afraid to get the wrong ones! Ugh, I'll just grab anything and leave! As I'm grabbing a pink package I hear chuckling behind me. Oh no.

"H-Hey Freddie?" Jonah snickers behind me with a group of friends. "You never told me you were blossoming into a young woman!" He shouts as he and his friends break out into hysterics.

"Oh, can it Jonah!" I shout at him as I bring the package to the counter and slam it down. The guy at the counter is just staring at me. "Um, can you hurry it along?!"

"Look, buddy, just cuz it's your time of the month doesn't mean you can get snippy with me!" GAH! What is wrong with everyone in this city?! I angrily grab the package and leave the convenience store. I head back Carly's apartment, careful to step over the shattered remains of the plate as I enter. I throw the package down on the table as I say to Carly, "Here's your stupid pads." She just looks up at me and smiles.

"Oh, that's okay. We found some more in the bathroom, so you really didn't have to buy these." …She did not just say that. Sam comes over, picks up the package, turns it over in her hands a few times, them looks up at me.

"And you didn't even get the right ones, Fredlumps!" And she throws them at my face…You know what I really wanna do right now? Go in an alley and cry until I die, cuz NO GUY DESERVES THIS!

Oh, goodie. It's iCarly time. Well, I'm back in Carly's apartment after hiding in my room for the rest of the day, and the girls are coming up in the elevator. Aaaand, here they are. Well this looks like it's gonna be fun. Carls looks like she's been crying again, and Sam looks five seconds away from punching a hole in the wall. Ugh, whatever, lets just get this over with.

"And we're live in five, four, three, two…"

"Hi, I'm Carly!" Carly says with fake cheerfulness. Sam just looks at her as if she's stupid.

"Well, duh, they know that!" Oh no. This can't end well.

"That's not you're line!" Carly whispers under her breathe.

"Well, maybe I don't wanna follow the lines today! Did you ever think about that?! MAYBE I wanna do things MY way today!"

"Sam, why do you always have to ruin everything!" Carly says, crying now. "I just try to do a simple web show, and you just gotta ruin it!" And, now she's running down the stairs in hysterics.

"Hey, if anyone ruins it, it's Freddie for being such a dork all the time!"

"Hey!" Uh-oh. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea. Sam's wearing her 'I'm gonna unleash my wrath all over you' face.

"Frreddie, turn that damn camera off, can't see we're not in the mood?!" As she comes over and starts to wrench the camera out of my hands, I turn it to myself.

"Please, if any of you viewers out there have a heart you'll call the police!"

"Shut up, Fredward!" She says, throwing the camera on the ground, along with me. What happens next is all just a blur…

FINALLY! This day is finally over! I limp into my room, guaze wrapped around my head, and head to my calendar. I rip off the previous red sticker that marked Sam's 'time', grab a new sheet of red stickers, and smack 10 of them on today. This way, next month, I'll be prepared…well, as prepared as I can be against to hormonal teen girls, anyway. I crawl into bed, and try to remember what I must have done to deserve this cruel fate.

**A/N: Ahahahah, u gotta feel bad 4 poor Freddie (nd guys who hafta deal wit girls that get lik this, my pity reaches out to u) (nd to girls that act like carly and sam during their time, my pity reaches out to u also!) Soo, anyways, review, it'll help Freddie get a break next month!**


End file.
